Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt isolated?
Crying whenever you're alone,
Feeling weak and helpless,
But you can't say a word.

Have you ever felt useless?
Trying your best at what you love,
But you are never good enough,
No one appreciates your work.

Does it ever feel futile?
Earning money just to live,
But not to enjoy living,
The soul-crushing circles of life.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016


Hey guys,

2016 has been TERRIBLE. I'm not just saying this because of what we see in the media, though I wish peace to all the families of all those who have died, and pray for all those suffering in places like Aleppo.

My personal year has been terrible. Okay, I passed my 1st year of university. But most things haven't gone a way that would make me happy. I broke up with my ex girlfriend early this year. I hurt and cried. But then I felt I could deal with it. But that was when I realised how alone I feel. There was another girl but right when I realised how much I loved her I'd already messed things up. She was the nicest person and I lose it. The trouble is that I still struggle to get over this (Sorry this doesn't make much sense). So now I feel super lonely.

As for university, I am stressed out. I have a PDR I need to write by Jan 10th and exams to revise for. I can't do any of it. I suck at engineering. I want to play music. I get stressed to the point where I struggle to breathe. I just want a break from this.

There have been good times. Work was fun over summer. But I kind of struggled with finding me time if you get me. Reading Festival was amazing and I want to go to next years (that I can't afford).

Mum relapsed with cancer this year and has just about finished chemo. It will probably always be like this but it is really worrying. I love my mum...

I am struggling to write this and I don't know where it is going. It's kind of stressing me out. But anyway. I'm going ice skating tomorrow. Good night.

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

10 years on...

So I haven't posted anything this year until now. I realise that there is probably no one reading this, and to be honest that is a good thing. This post is just to comfort myself by there being a post every year on this blog since 2005.... Woah... 10 years.... 10 years since my dad made this thing for me.

Right now I am in my first year at the University of Surrey, studying aerospace engineering. I guess back when I was 8 I had no clue that I would be here. I probably didn't really know what university was, or even what secondary school was. I get this feeling that I am growing up far too fast. Seeing my past written down on a blog brings up so many memories. Then the nostalgia kicks in.

I reread a couple of posts from when I was 8. The first one was entitled "I'M SICK!!!". Clearly I hadn't quite learnt how to spell "diarrhoea", but then I always do use the spell checker on that word! Anyway, the reason I bring up this particular event was because, as I read it, I remembered it so clearly. I remember so well going to the bathroom and flooding it with my vomit. I remember why it happened, and my mum's reaction as well! Those details aren't even written in the post. The point is, I can remember some things as if they were yesterday, when in fact they were 10 years ago.

The other post I reread was actually my first ever post. Posted on 29 July 2005 at 7.18 pm, I had reviewed (well explained the plot of) the book "Cool!" by Michael Morpurgo. It is very odd that just a couple of weeks ago, someone reminded me of Michael Morpurgo, and so I started remembering this book. I can remember what happened in the book, despite only reading it the once over 10 years ago. I know that this book is still on my shelf at home, and I am tempted to read it again. This will bring back old memories.

On another note, there are some memories that seem to bring you down just after the memory happened. Some people call them the "blues". For example, the "post gig blues" you get after a gig. I was at the Bring Me The Horizon gig on 28 November 2015 at Alexandra Palace. The gig was amazing, but after the high you get from the gig wears off, you suddenly realise that the thing you had been waiting months for is over... And that is that... You spend ages watching the videos you took at the gig and that is it.... The memory has caught up with you literally a few hours after the memory took place.

Anyway..... Anyway...... ANYWAY........... This post really doesn't have a point to it and I don't really know why I am posting it... But I just hope that if you are unfortunate enough to be the one person reading this post, that you realise that no matter what you do.... You will not escape your memories. Your memories will catch up to you, whether it be 2 days or 10 years from now, or maybe when you are on your death bed.

Thank you, random citizen, for reading this senseless ramble... I apologise for the poor grammar (It is 1:52 am). I just felt like getting all this off my chest....

Tuesday, March 04, 2014