Saturday, February 12, 2022


I seem to just come on here when I am sad about stuff or when it's Christmas, and it's not Christmas.

"Jealousy is an ugly emotion, but it tells the truth. You mostly envy those who have something you desire" - Susan Cain.

Sometimes I get trapped in a feeling. The rage builds up and unless someone is there to stop me feeling it or calm me down, it will get to the point where I will alienate everyone. This always results in the same ending. I end up alone and feel like shit, knowing that I am in the wrong. I wish I could see myself going into one of these spirals as it happens, instead of when it is too late.

We envy people that have success in places that we don't have success in. This is a result of having insecurity in who we are as people. So the less secure we feel, the more we envy other people's security. 

I should be secure in myself by now, but am not. I keep having ideas thinking - maybe if I get a job I will feel secure - maybe if I have more friends I will feel secure - maybe if I improve this skill I will feel secure - maybe if I have a house I will feel secure. But I don't think any of these things will help. Instead it is a mindset that I need.

People always suggest therapy; tried this last year. I just don't think therapists really know what they need to draw out of me. I don't even know this, so how could they? So, I just resort to circling around the same few topics. I felt as though I was pouring 1/8 of my paycheque down the drain. Then everyone asks me why I stopped.


So it turns out I'm fine, just was in a bit of a complex state, figured out a whole friendship I had turned into a really toxic gaslighting situation. So I fixed that because now we both understand gaslighting better we are not stuck in it any more. If you can care about someone so much that you both remain friends after this sorta thing then you must really love each other (in the platonic sense, of course).

I have found the Duncan Trussell Family Hour (DTFH) podcast very helpful to listen to with regard to topics such as existentialism, which I think I've struggled with my whole life. I would get overtly angry about my lack of reason-for-being, but that podcast calms me down significantly.

There are so many stresses out there. I am working hard to build up. I am succeeding in work -  which I understand has been helped by my middle-class parents; that I have never felt financially pressured or had to worry about where my next meal is coming from; and the fact that the ethnicity I happened to be born into has bullied all the other ethnicities for however many years to the point that now, despite that our ethnicity has collectively realised that this is wrong (with a disturbingly large number of stragglers), we still have so much inequality that we still need to equalise, so many inequalities that most of us don't even realise are inequalities. I digress. I mean I am succeeding in the actual day to day stuff, which helps when you are trying to buy a house.

I'm currently working on buying a house or flat, which is a hard enough feat to accomplish even after you have acquired enough income for it. Buying a house is like hurdles... Except all the hurdles are like high jumps of varying sizes depending on the situation you happen to be born into and where you want to live. The rich and powerful and all those governments being possessive over who can live in what areas. It's a bit idealistic, I know, but why can't we work together? We can achieve so much more collectively as a species than if we spend all this time and energy fighting each other. Everyone I meet at the moment seems so lovely, so how do all these assholes end up in charge?!? Is there like a secret population of nasty hermits who control everything and only show up on voting days? Or is everyone just faking being nice?

Stop waving your genitals at each other and work together.

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